Just to get you through the first day back at work

[kumarakid]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

I organized a threesome last night...
There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think,
'I'll fucking have that!'

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"


Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.


Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?


I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?



Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...
Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the fucking plane.



When watching Michael Jackson's coffin being pushed away by the Jackson Brothers, was anybody else reminded of those two words...
Cool Runnings



Shhhhhh!!.......
Don't tell anyone...... I'm gonna go down on you....
...And you're gonna love it...........
........But it's only going to be long enough to let you start enjoying it........
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.....
Lots of love,
Petrol prices xx





If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter.
Maybe that's why the T-rex was always so angry


.

[Swivel]

Love it. Great Start to the day

[Steala]

LOL! hahaha

[4aged]

lol awsome!

• I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
  How could anyone stoop so low?
  
  
  I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends